Quite Blue

Sometimes in the still of the night, all I feel like doing is just drown myself in really good music like a few of my favourite ballads or classical nocturne pieces, sip some hot chocolate, clad in my comfy pyjamas, with fresh sheets curled up my body and then fall asleep slowly and enter my very ideal dreamland  (which most of the time I wish to dream that I marry Leehom. On a second thought falling asleep next to him would be even better). Well that’s the ideal dream for me. Currently. Besides marrying Leehom. Again. I should shut up.

I don’t even know what I’m doing nowadays. It’s like my subconscious mind’s functioning 90% of the time, and that’s definitely NOT GOOD. I’m always feeling out of place and is constantly worn out. Doing wrong things at the wrong time. Coz I couldn’t control myself. Just very… messed-up. And recently I’ve been having weird dreams about people. People like really long-lost-contact-but-once-was-a-someone-dear people, and close friends. And they’re not sweet dreams, but those dreams that I want to get out of, but couldn’t, and when I do wake up, I’m drenched in cold sweat. I wonder if I am too exhausted or stressed deep inside. Or perhaps too much thinking, subconsciously that is.

Gotten myself a job in a boutique at the mall recently. Have planned to go to Bangkok after our final finals, all 12 of us in the gang. Flight tickets booked, hotel checked. So I need to earn my own money for the trip. And as a result, land myself in the current mess. Actually I don’t even know if it’s because of this, but that’s the only major change in my life this month. So I bet this has got to be the reason.

I don’t even know why am I working so hard for. I’ve three weekends to spend this semester, coz I have no classes on Friday. And it was what I’ve YEARNED for, having endured shitty schedules for the past two semesters. And so now I actually got it and I spend them working. Instead of doing the things I could’ve done and have yearned to do. I didn’t have to. Mummy would definitely sponsor my trip, she even offered to already. But my house’s undergoing a massive renovation, and all these need $$$. I don’t wanna burden her. I wanna earn my own money for this. At least pay for my own tickets and accommodation. I wanna be persistent. I was all pumped up to do this. I WANNA DO THIS. But now I realized I cannot really cope. I have an English research paper to submit by mid-April and I cannot afford to screw this up. But it is hard to let go. My heart’s telling me to do this and my mind’s telling me to do another. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this but one of the things I hate to do most is making decisions. Small or big regardless. That’s the hardest part of life. And I haven’t learn to overcome this problem. So now I am still stuck with deciding whether to continue my job or leave it. Decisions decisions. Definitely not my favourite part in life.

I’m definitely not feeling down whatsoever. Just feeling the need to express. Life’s good for me. And I tell myself that every day. Not for the sake of reminding myself,  but I really do feel so. These days I get real sentimental. And I think a WHOLE LOT. There has been countless moments where I was just sitting together with my whole gang of friends listening to their horny jokes (I get doses of them every day now I think we can enter Guinness World Records for the most horny jokes cracked in a day) and then I start to think how miraculous all these are. To think that we were once strangers unbeknownst to one another’s existence last year, and now, such a close-knit gang. I start questioning myself what was I doing at this moment, the same time last year. Then I feel super grateful to have these people in my life. And then I couldn’t stop thanking fate for bringing such wonderful people into my life. Then I start to think what will happen next year at this time. Will we still remain the relationship we share now? I think in fact I get so comfortable with my life now even if there is a slight change I feel I will just turn cuckoo. Ok maybe not lah. But metaphorically yes lah. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of the aging hormones ah. Getting older ya know.

Feels good to let everything out. Now gonna go sink myself in some good music. Although there’s no hot chocolate. Or fresh sheets.

My new obsession. I’d like to believe that everything that sucks in life is serendipity. I’d be so much happier.

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